so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
