seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
