Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
