his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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