The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
