Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
