i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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