My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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