So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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