Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
did i walk over a car last night?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
