I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
