Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize