fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
