I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
