Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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