So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My feet surprised me
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