Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
