just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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