Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
