if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Randomize
