i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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