2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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