There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
