Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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