Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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