Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
We have started to decorate penises.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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