Well apparently he's into motor boating.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
