I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize