I want to make a zoo with you.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
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