does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
