You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
