Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
