Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
