Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
