Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
