I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
