I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
