My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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