Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
