If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
