I'm really into asian looking animals
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
