I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
