I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
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