There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
