I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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