A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
