can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
