yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
