i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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