You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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