i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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