o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
