Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
