we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
time to smoke my breakfast
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
