I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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