Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize