Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
