My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
