guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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