I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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