Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
