My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Randomize
