We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
